It’s me, hi!!
I just finished my exams for the Fall term of my second year of university. I’m pretty happy to be done as now it means I can hang out at home and watch Gossip Girl without feeling like I should be studying! I also do realize I haven’t made an update since March, which was a long time ago. TLDR: first year went swimmingly! New update: second year thus far has been absolutely excellent! In terms of courses I am in a foundations of education course, service-learning (placement in school, more to come), child development, multivariate calculus, and modern physics! The last three I just took my exams for. Coming out of this exam season I’ve been chewing on something I would love to share here.
I’ve noticed this term that I had a weird relationship with my successes and wins. One thing I’ve had a hard time with was not feeling sure of whether or not I deserved something. I’m not trying to get into the myth of meritocracy here, but even when I work really hard and it pays off I still find myself doubting… did I really earn that?
My best examples stem from calculus this semester. I like to think I did well in calc 1 and 2 last year, but I wasn’t sure if it was because my professor was an excellent teacher and I thought her exams were more than fair — she told us what topics to expect and welcomed questions in her office. I had a new professor this year who, at the start of the term, talked about how he makes students in his class really work for their marks. I remember sitting in that lecture immediately knowing I was ready to work. And I did! Nobody knows how many hours I dedicated to that class. Then we had our midterm and I did really well; I was so excited! To me that was a sign that my hard work pays off, despite being in a harder class with more rigorous expectations. Even looking back on last year, it revealed to me that me doing well wasn’t just because I had a great prof — it was because I put the effort in.
I’ll get in a little deeper to this multivariate calc situation by jumping forward in time to our exam. I thought it was really difficult! That was hands-down the hardest math assessment I’ve ever done. It was almost relieving when my friends all said the same thing. I had spent several days preparing for the exam and still felt that it went sideways. In all honesty, I was a little defeated walking out of the gym! Just the other day, we got our exam marks back. You can probably understand my shock when I did way better than expected! My immediate reaction was that there had to have been some kind of curve or maybe a question got discarded because nobody answered it right.
But I mean, why was that my reaction? Why did I assume I couldn’t have done that on my own without some kind of mark adjustment? After all, I put the work in… I asked questions… I participated in lectures… I spent so much time on my own working through the material. I really didn’t believe I had actually earned it. Later I found out I had. I said to my mom (love you mom), I guess it wasn’t a curve; I guess it really was me.
A little more abstract of a story comes with my service-learning placement. I’m in a classroom once a week in the afternoon at a local high school doing science and chemistry (and occasionally math). We had to register for our placements similar to how you would register for class, i.e. wake up at stupid o’clock, scan the options and pick the one that suits you best. Truthfully, I’ve felt a little guilty having my placement fit with my teachables and interests so well because most of my fellow intermediate/senior friends ended up in elementary schools. We didn’t have many options and I was purely lucky that this placement landed on the day/time I had blocked off. But I don’t need to feel guilty! I deserve to be there just as much as anyone else.
My last example for now doesn’t have to do with classes but just with the idea of deserving something. Not long ago I was studying one day and then received an unexpected email that I was being granted a physics scholarship! In the moment I was super excited, because, well, yay! I looked into it and the award is given to two students in second, third, or fourth year with honours standing. As I let it linger through the day I couldn’t help but wonder why I had been selected. After all, most of my friends are honour students, and I felt a little fake being in concurrent education receiving a physics award. Why were my merits somehow deemed worthy?
So I guess I don’t know what the deal is with diminishing my own successes. It’s not like I can tell myself I don’t work for them because I’m the only person who sees my hours of behind-the-scenes work. I’m working on being happy for myself without retracing my steps later and doubting anything. I didn’t feel like this last year… maybe it was because I had 2+ tests a week and didn’t have time to reflect so hard in between!
Going into the new term in January, I know to not stop believing in myself. I root for my dear friends but also need to not forget to cheer on myself from time to time. Maybe all it took was a trip to my professor’s office, hearing it from someone else… “you are a hard-working student.”
Wishing you a very smooth jazz physics holiday season! Exams are over… take care of yourself.
Future directions — I hope to write a little bit about my service-learning experience thus far 🙂
–Sophie
Sophie Does Math 